My Cat Likes Elvis

On Year-End Retrospectives and Lack of Motivation

2009-12-31T11:55:00.002Z

So, it's that time of year again. Time to look back, and, well..

I'm dubbing 2009 The Year of Stressful Externalities.

I bought my first home. Exciting, but stressful as hell.

I spent most of the summer and autumn arguing with the landlord of the place we'd been renting. Also stressful as hell, and not even one tiny bit exciting.

I bought four camper vans. I'll post about this in detail later as I think I finally have enough perspective to see the whole saga as funny rather than tragic. Excitement: yes. Stress: yes x4.

I spent a lot of time worrying about money. Excitement: no. Stress: yes.

There's reason to think all of these external factors will sort themselves out in 2010. Indeed, some of them already have. But in 2009, their combined force produced a big fat writing fail.

It wasn't all fail. I submitted sketches to open-door radio shows and got something into one of them, which was extremely gratifying. But in terms of progressing my spec scripts, networking, and even updating this blog, I can only borrow a phrase from gaming: epic fail.

2010 will be better. Or I'll kick its teeth out.

Newsjack Series 2

2009-12-29T14:41:00.003Z

from	Tilusha Ghelani
to		NewsJack
date		Mon, Dec 21, 2009 at 12:34 PM
subject		Comedy Writing Opportunity
mailed-by		bbc.co.uk

Hello,

I am emailing you because you submitted comedy material to Recorded for Training Purposes. There is a show beginning in the first week of 2010 which takes submissions from Non-Commissioned writers.

Newsjack is a topical comedy sketch show on BBC Radio 7. If you are interested in submitting material to the show, please follow the writer's guide here:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/newsjack

Please pass on the details to anyone you know who might be interested in submitting material. Forgive me if you have already received this.

Best wishes and merry Christmas,
tilusha

Tilusha Ghelani
Producer, BBC Radio Comedy

Charlie Brooker on Jan Moir on Stephen Gately

2009-10-18T13:17:00.003+01:00

I have to admit, I didn't know who Stephen Gately was until I read his obituary. For the similarly ignorant, he was a member of Boyzone, and he died of pulmonary oedema, i.e. fluid on the lungs.

Unless you talk to Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir, who seems to think he died of being gay. The sub-title of her column, before it was changed, read "There Was Nothing Natural About Stephen Gately's Death".

Writing in the Guardian, Charlie Brooker gives the woman the skewering she deserves, and does it in a much more eloquent and less sweary manner than I ever could.

You're a good man, Charlie Brooker.

[Edited to correct a grammatical error.]

Happy Birthday Billy

2009-09-22T21:44:00.003+01:00

Billy the Bookcase is 30 this year. Read all about it here.

If you don't know who -- or more accurately, what -- Billy the Bookcase is, just follow the link and all will become instantly clear. You've got Billy, I'm almost sure of it. You've probably got several of Billy. I've got a couple myself.

Recorded for Training Purposes, Series 4

2009-09-02T21:45:00.002+01:00

For those of you who do the open-door radio comedy thing, Recorded for Training Purposes have just put out the writers' brief for series 4. You can find it on the BBC Writersroom site here.

The ever-fabulous Jasop Arnopp went from a member of the dirty unwashed sketch-submitting masses last series, to a member of the commissioned writing team this series, so this particular open door can definitely lead to the opening of further doors. (I didn't get anything in last series, but I did make it onto the producer's "does not suck" list. I'm hoping to go one better this time and achieve "is actively any good" status.)

Pencils ready. And... begin.

Gone Camping

2009-08-09T16:15:00.002+01:00

Greetings from the back of my camper van. At the moment, the back of my camper van is parked at a former socialist youth camp in The Netherlands. (To avoid confusion, the front of my camper van is parked about three feet in front of the back of my camper van.)

Starting on Thursday, the campsite will be hosting HAR 2009. As of today, the campsite is hosting a lot of tent pitching and placing of wireless hubs in trees.

We came over on the Dover-Calais ferry on Thursday evening and got as far as Brugge before camping out in a motorway service station car park. (Not as awful as you'd think -- Belgian motorway service stations have 24-hour facilities including showers.) Come Friday morning, the rest of the drive was reasonably easy.

The most exciting event at the campsite so far has been the arrival from Germany of the first shipment of Club-Mate. This stuff is as close as you can get to a European version of Mountain Dew -- highly caffeinated, not particularly nice tasting, faintly revolting as a concept, but strangely addictive. You should try some. You know you want to.

James Moran Gets an Undeserved Kicking

2009-07-13T21:03:00.002+01:00

James Moran, for those who don't know, wrote Severance and currently writes for Torchwood. I haven't met him personally, but many of my friends have, and they say he's a top bloke.

He's also got a blog, on which he gave commentary and behind-the-scenes information about last week's Torchwood: Children of Earth serial.

He's unlikely to do that again, because the wanker section of Torchwood fandom went and ruined it.

I know it's not nice to call people wankers, but they went onto James's blog and left comments that would make you think James had slept with their partners, burned down their houses, and murdered their cats. All because something happened on a TV show, and they didn't like it.

I know how easy it is to love a TV show so much you take it personally. I loved The X-Files that much in the 90s, and I took it very personally indeed when my favourite smart paranormal drama turned into an incoherent pile of cliches unworthy of the worst soap opera writer in Christendom.

I'm not saying that's what happened to Torchwood, by the way. I haven't actually seen the serial in question. But even if I did see it and hate it with an intensity usually reserved for paedophiles and the BNP, that wouldn't give me licence to hurl personal insults at the writers on their own blogs.

Play fair kids, or the other kids will take their ball and go home.

Two! Two radio credits! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

2009-07-12T11:57:00.003+01:00

(Apologies to readers who didn't grow up watching Sesame Street.)

I got a one-liner into this week's episode of Newsjack. It wasn't the one-liner I thought was funniest out of my submissions, but I have it on good authority I'm wrong about that.

Between that and getting a sketch into Tilt last year, I've been on the radio twice now.

It seems taking a week off and petting the llama (see previous post, I'm not making rude innuendo) did the trick.

Screw It, I'm on Holiday

2009-06-28T18:23:00.003+01:00

Greetings from Staffordshire, where I've been spending a lovely weekend communing with nature. Tomorrow we move on to Cornwall, where I'm told the nature at the place we're staying includes a llama.

The weekly sketch deadline for Newsjack is tomorrow, but have I written anything? Nope. Will I write anything? Only if I feel motivated.

Life's been pretty hectic recently, for reasons not to do with writing. It's been busy at my day job, there have been builders in and out of the house, we have a new puppy, and we've had a series of expensive camper van-related mishaps (first van written off, second van turned out to be a rust bucket with a dodgy past, third van came home last week and damn well better be lucky). I've not had a lot of spare energy, and my submissions for the first two weeks of Newsjack were pretty sparse. I was reasonably pleased with them quality-wise, but there should have been more of them. If any of them had got in I wouldn't be so worried about the volume, but they didn't.

At this point, I think the best solution to the problem is to be properly on holiday, forget about everything for a week, and pet the llama.

Nice llama.

Stick It to the Man, If You Can Bear

2009-06-20T15:19:00.002+01:00

The Guardian have posted 457,153 pages of MPs' expense documents here. What's more, they're interactive. You can pick a particular MP's claims to review, and if you find any duck islands you can flag them for further investigation.

Me, I haven't got the stomach for it. I pulled up my MP, got through about three pages of stationery orders, and lost the will to live.

Newsjack

2009-06-05T22:41:00.001+01:00

If you sketchify like I do, there's an open-door opportunity at BBC Radio 7 from next week. You can read all about it here.

Seven Songs I'm Into Right Now

2009-05-24T20:57:00.002+01:00

Thanks to a tag from Piers, I have to tell you about seven songs I'm into right now. I warn you, this list is rather dull. I am most certainly very old now, and in no way Down With the Kids.

Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult - I unlocked this on Rock Band a couple of weeks ago and remembered how much I liked it.
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division - No, I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything, I just like depressing music.
Waly Waly - traditional English folk song - Why? Why not?
Hear My Prayer - Mendelssohn - The link goes to a recording from 1928, by arguably the finest boy soprano of the 20th century.
Sound the Trumpet - Purcell - We used this at my wedding. I defy you not to tap your foot.
Suo Gan - traditional Welsh lullaby - Call me an old sap, but I often tear up when I hear this one.
Spem in Alium - Tallis - Quite simply the most mind-blowing piece of music I've ever heard. Listen to it with headphones if you can.

Now With Added Twitter

2009-05-12T21:05:00.002+01:00

If you're on Twitter and you're interested in the mundane goings-on in my everyday life, feel free to stick a follow on me. I'm christinepatton.

I Have a Career?

2009-05-10T16:09:00.002+01:00

Micheal Jacob has published a blog entry about creating the shortlist for this year's College of Comedy. I'm not on it, which doesn't come as any particular surprise, but what does come as a surprise is that he says

"...nearly everyone who applied has a career already..."

Really? I met the eligibility criteria for applying, but I've never thought of my modest collection of credits as a career. It does roughly describe a trajectory from very modest to less modest, but it's certainly nothing remotely approaching a living. Career in utero perhaps.

Yes, I like that. I have a career in utero.

You Can't Win if You Don't Turn Up

2009-04-25T15:42:00.002+01:00

I recently took up BMX racing. It's an odd hobby to start at my age I know, but I desperately wanted to do it as a child and wasn't allowed. My mother thought I'd break my neck. After years of not thinking about it, I caught a bit of coverage on the TV and mentioned to my husband that I'd always wanted to try it. He said, "Then why don't you?" So I did.

Thing is, I'm not very good at it. My balance is bad, my foot speed is bad, my posture is bad, my mental intensity is bad, and every other aspect of my riding is bad. But despite all that, I'm currently top of the regional points table in my class. This is because I'm the only rider in my class. I won the first race of the summer simply by virtue of turning up.

What's this got to do with writing, you ask? Well, this week I put in my application for the BBC College of Comedy. I'll be absolutely shocked if I get anywhere. I briefly pondered not even bothering, but then I remembered how I'd won that BMX race. I'm not saying I'll get into the College of Comedy just by applying, but I know I most definitely won't get in by not applying. You can't win if you don't turn up.

Eastercon 2009

2009-04-14T22:21:00.002+01:00

This past weekend I attended the 60th Eastercon. Or maybe it was the 61st. There's an ongoing argument about this.

Anyway, Eastercon is a large science fiction convention with a literary (as opposed to TV or film) slant. It's held -- wait for it -- every Easter. This year's event was in Bradford, and my husband and I drove up in our VW camper van. The idea was to stay at a nearby campsite to save money, but there was a bit of a SNAFU with the campsite. Their web site said they had toilets and showers, when in fact all the place was, was a little field and a hosepipe. Not seeing any reason to pay for parking in a little field with a hosepipe, we bade the campsite goodbye and wound up camping in the convention hotel's car park. This arrangement, while somewhat lacking in scenery, turned out to be surprisingly comfortable -- as well as free. The only real down side was the lack of showers. Washing in the van's sink just wasn't a proper substitute.

Now, I think the camping in a car park anecdote is fairly amusing, but my main reason for blogging about the convention is this: the event boasted more published authors than you could shake a stick at, both as guests of honour and ordinary participants. There were also quite a few publishing types floating around. If you have aspirations in the science fiction novel department (1), you could do a lot worse than turning up next year and doing the networking thing.

(1) I have no ambitions in the science fiction novel department because I can't write prose. I wish I could, but I also wish I could sing the Queen of the Night at the Royal Opera and I don't think wishing is going to make that happen either.

Six Unimportant Things About Me

2009-03-30T21:16:00.002+01:00

Tagged by Piers Beckley.

1) Put the link of the person who tagged you on your blog.
2) Write the rules.
3) Mention 6 things or habits of no real importance about you.
4) Tag 6 persons adding their links directly.
5) Alert the persons that you tagged them.

And here we go.

1. I'm left-handed. This isn't all that unusual -- left-handers are over-represented amongst both writers and software engineers (software engineering being my day job). But I've always thought being a southpaw was cool. It's also a massive advantage in fencing.

2. The film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang saved me from being diagnosed with ADHD when I was a toddler. This was America in the 70s and every kid with more energy than a sloth was being put on Ritalin. But my dad knew better when I sat on his lap and watched the film all the way through.

Incidentally, my husband actually does have ADHD and why anyone ever thought it was just about having lots of energy is beyond me.

3. I'm vain about being blonde. Physical appearance -- mine and others' -- holds little importance for me. Except that I'm inordinately and irrationally proud of the accident of having blonde hair.

4. Unless I'm in Paris, I don't like coffee. I spent a weekend in Paris last year, and for about a month afterwards I would order coffee in the UK, make a series of amusing faces, and remember that unless it's really first-rate coffee (like they serve in Paris), I hate it.

5. My first TV crush was Bo Duke from The Dukes of Hazzard. I got better.

6. My second TV crush was Captain Kirk. I didn't get better.

I think I'm going to be a refusenik on tagging others. So there.

Happy Ada Lovelace Day!

2009-03-24T12:08:00.002Z

Ada Lovelace was arguably the first computer programmer, and today is all about promoting women in technology. I'm doing this by a) being a woman (I do this most days), and b) working with technology (I do this most Mondays through Fridays).

Check out this Guardian article on the subject. The author discusses not just women in technology, but female scientists in film and TV. To wit, there aren't very many of them. One of the comments suggests Agent Scully as an example, but I think that only works if you disregard the later series of The X-Files, in which said agent turns into a weepy, ineffectual moron.

Sadly, the best screen example of techy women I can think of is Star Trek: Voyager. The ship is full of 'em. That show's creators obviously thought long and hard about gender equality. Pity they didn't think very long and hard about the stories.

The Back of Beyond

2009-03-04T17:24:00.002Z

Greetings from Miles from Effing Anywhere, Pennsylvania. I'm here for a few days visiting my mother, then it's back to London, where I promise never to complain of Tube overcrowding again.

Um, you can stop reading now. There's no point to this post except to complain about boredom and ugly, ill-conceived semi-rural housing developments.

Move along, nothing to see.

The Laptop is Dead, Long Live the Laptop, Mark II

2009-02-15T19:47:00.002Z

So, you may recall that a few months ago I switched my laptop from Windows Vista, which seemed to be killing the hardware, to Ubuntu Linux. That halted the OS-related hardware rot, but the general hardware rot continued. The keyboard, which had always been pretty horrid, kept getting worse, to the point that yesterday I was literally pounding the " key to get it to register. The mouse track pad was suffering similar decline. The wifi card hadn't worked in months, having been burned out by the faulty graphics card. To top it off, some of the drivers I got with Ubuntu didn't quite work right. Not really the Ubuntu community's fault, seeing as they were trying to write open source drivers for closed source hardware, but still annoying.

I think you can see where this is going. I wanted a new laptop. But I really couldn't justify the expense.

Then a couple of weeks ago I discovered that Final Draft won't work under Linux. Many Windows programs can be made to run with a Windows emulator, but Final Draft's authorisation key system is non-emulator-friendly. A nice gentleman in California told me so.

And that was it. Screw the fact that I had no money, screw the fact that Final Draft is not the only screenwriting software out there, screw everything and everybody. I was getting a new laptop!

And most of all, screw Bill Gates. I got a Mac. My first ever. It's white (because I couldn't afford any of the silver ones). It's shiny. It's got a snazzy red carry case that I bought to, you know, carry it in. And it's got an operating system that isn't Windows Vista. A thousand huzzahs!

Right, I'm off to test out the graphics card by firing up World of Warcraft.

New Year's Resolutions - Progress Report

2009-02-07T11:56:00.002Z

Well, it seems I should've added another resolution -- update blog more often than once a month. Grr. But no matter, let's look at the resolutions I did make.

1. Tidy house. Progress: zero. It's been one step forward, two steps back on that one.

2. Karate training. Progress: pitiful. I've had the lurgy pretty much constantly since the beginning of the year, and my exercise routine has suffered badly. Grr again.

3. Steampunk feature and radio play turned sitcom. Progress: zero. This is because, perhaps predictably, another project has come along. The producer of Mixt Nutz has asked me to help him with a feature script he intends to make himself. I don't want to count my chickens, but this has the potential to be most exciting.

So basically, with the exception of the new feature script project, January was full of fail. At least I didn't spend loads of money to join a gym...

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-06T13:11:00.002Z

Yes, it's that time of year again. I present, for your reading delectation, my list of resolutions.

1. Pull finger out and write blog post about New Year's resolutions. Done.

2. Tidy house so it resembles a house and not a rubbish tip. In progress.

3. Stop being lazy about karate training, be ready to get brown-with-a-stripe belt in March. Due to start yesterday, briefly postponed due to lurgy.

4. Have steampunk feature script ready to go by the end of the year. What's this, a writing-related resolution?

5. Ditto for radio play turned sitcom. That's two, two writing-related resolutions! Mwa ha ha!

6. Acquire at least two more radio credits in 2009. I'm not sure this really counts as a resolution as it's not within my power to compel producers to use my submissions. I'll re-word it slightly -- capitalise on every opportunity to acquire more radio credits, thus maximising my chances of success.

7. Re-read this post at the beginning of 2010 and laugh at how my writing plans went out the window due to (delete as appropriate) laziness/long stint in hospital from karate injuries/long stint in hospital from tidying injuries/new projects taking up all my time/offer of free money, fame and kudos from God himself.

2008 Wrap-Up

2008-12-31T12:35:00.003Z

Blah blah blah end of year blah blah blah retrospective blah blah blah.

On the personal front, 2008 has been -- momentous isn't quite the right word. Whirlwind isn't it either. Let's just say it's not been boring.

In the spring, I got engaged.

In the summer, I got unemployed from my day job. Two hours later my fiance also got unemployed, thus dropping our household income to nowt.

In the autumn, I got re-employed and wound up sitting one floor down from where I'd sat before I got unemployed.

As winter approached, I got married.

Just after Christmas I got a camper van. It's a 1980 VW called Barney.

Not a lot of time for writing in the midst of all that. But I did manage to get my first radio credit, be told by another radio producer that I don't suck, join the Writers' Guild of Great Britain, and dash out a first draft script or two. So while it's not been a good year in terms of volume of output, I'd class 2008 as perfectly respectable in the career progress department.

Next post, New Year's resolutions. Don't worry, I'm not going on a diet. But be warned, I am going to have a moan about the mess in my house.

A Bad Year for English Dramatists

2008-12-26T20:07:00.002Z

First Simon Gray popped his clogs, and now Harold Pinter is swearing and chain smoking in the sky. Not unexpected in either case, but still a pity.

I heard Pinter speak in 2005, having read a few of his plays and found them vaguely entertaining at best, puzzling, stiff and impenetrable at worst. He started the lecture by reading from his most recent play. As I sat there laughing and enjoying every second, I realised that on the page the scene he was reading must have been turgid as hell. (Beckett is like this as well, I find.)

"I must go see a production of one of Pinter's works," I thought to myself. But did I? Did I hell. I didn't even make it to the big West End revival of No Man's Land last autumn.

Maybe there will be a flurry of Pinter productions now he's shuffled off his mortal coil, and I'll be able to make good on my resolution. At least I got to hear the man himself while I still could.

Recorded for Training Purposes, Mark II

2008-12-16T09:51:00.003Z

I've just had a little form letter from the producer saying they liked my submissions. Or rather, submission (see below about writer's block, etc.). This is no guarantee at all that I'll get anything in, but I'm well chuffed to be on the producer's writers-that-don't-suck list.

All Guilded Up

2008-12-03T20:46:00.003Z

I've just submitted my application to the Writers' Guild of Great Britain, along with proof that I've sold something to BBC Radio 7.

What I didn't realise until today was that to qualify for full membership, I could enclose details of one sale at guild rates (e.g. to BBC Radio 7), or two sales on other terms. Does that mean my NewsRevue and Treason Show credits would've also got me in? If so, this rule must be new. I'm sure theatre stuff without a formal contract, e.g. NewsRevue and The Treason Show, wouldn't get you in a couple of years ago. Does anyone know for sure?

Will Write Soon, Recovering from Getting Married

2008-11-25T17:03:00.003Z

Greetings from warm, sunny Edinburgh.

Well it is sunny. I'm not lying about that bit.

The wedding was on Saturday. One of the bridesmaids spent the morning laid low with gastric distress. One of the guests spent the afternoon in an NHS walk-in centre having his head glued back together after ignoring the "No Diving" signs at the hotel swimming pool. Fortunately, both recovered by the evening and appeared at the ceremony mostly intact.

This week my husband and I are honeymooning in Scotland.

What can I say, we couldn't afford to go to Barbados.

When we get back I intend recovering sufficient time and energy to write. Until then, here's a picture from the wedding. We're very cute.

Can't Write Now, Getting Married

2008-11-11T20:04:00.002Z

So, I've known about Recorded for Training Purposes for two or three weeks now. I've made several attempts at bashing out sketches, and do you know how many finished, usable pieces I've produced? One. And to think I was vaguely bummed out about only being allowed to submit three.

In other news, my wedding is in eleven days.

Could these two things be, you know, somehow related?

I'm looking forward to the big day, but I'm also looking forward to the day after, when I'll presumably get my head space back.

Recorded for Training Purposes

2008-10-26T18:52:00.003Z

Remember that BBC radio sketch writing competition from a couple of years ago? The one that all the comedy writers in the blogosphere entered? And none of us won? And all of us had a right old moan about it? Or at least I did and Phill Barron did as well?

Well, now we've got another chance. The prize in that competition was a chance to write for the Radio 4 show Recorded for Training Purposes. That show's third series is coming up and they're accepting open submissions. Read all about it here.

And if I don't get anything on, I promise not to moan this time. Probably.

The Laptop Lives! A Bit.

2008-10-16T12:21:00.002+01:00

Turns out my laptop was only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead, you know. My fiance booted the machine from a Linux CD, and afterwards Vista agreed to start again. So the machine is working for the moment.

As I type, my fiance is backing up my data, wiping the hard drive, and installing Linux. Be gone, foul Vista, that my computer might limp along for a few more months until I've got enough money for a replacement.

My previous laptop died with a visible physical scratch down the centre of the hard disc surface, and was able to carry on after a fashion running Linux. So I'm hopeful.

The Laptop is Dead. Again.

2008-10-15T12:43:00.002+01:00

As if I needed any more excuses not to write.

Last night my laptop went circuit-boards-up. It's been a cranky little you-know-what all its life with crankiness and disturbing behaviour on the rise for the past couple of months, and now it won't boot.

Damn it, it's only been a year and a bit since my last laptop death post.

My fiance is trying to resurrect the machine by wiping the hard drive and installing Linux, but I'm not holding out too much hope. He thinks he can at least get my data off the drive, which is some consolation. I've done about a quarter of a draft of my steampunk feature and a bit of work on my radio-play-turned-sitcom since my last backup, never mind the comedy sketches I've done for various outlets.

Now to see if there's money for a replacement. I'm looking at various Dells with Ubuntu. Damned if I'm going to buy another Vista machine after the hatefest that was my relationship with the dead laptop. If I were richer I'd be dancing on its display screen doing the Good Riddance Shuffle. But I'm not, so I'm grinding my teeth instead.

Yak Shaving

2008-09-26T22:12:00.002+01:00

I spent a good part of Wednesday afternoon at work trying to solve a technical problem several levels removed from the problem I really wanted to solve. Apparently this is known as yak shaving.

Wiktionary has a formal definition here.

The term seems to derive from an episode of Ren and Stimpy.

I want to write a show that spawns terms that enter everyday usage. Whichever Simpsons writer first came up with "D'oh!" is now an integral part of English-speaking culture. Ditto for Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews for coining "feck", which I'm told didn't exist as a swear word pre-Father Ted.

Today a sitcom, tomorrow the world. Who could ask for more power than that?

Could do Better, See Me

2008-09-06T11:41:00.002+01:00

Between wedding planning and the new job I've done absolutely bugger-all writing in the past two months. Hell, it's been weeks since I've even managed to blog about my bugger-all writing.

Who knew that wedding planning, even for a small ceremony, could suck so much of my time, energy and money? Anyone who's married, I suppose. I fantasise on a daily basis about just saying screw it all and eloping.

Oh, and I've also taken up BMX. I haven't done any races yet, but I've bought all the equipment and been to the local track several times. I even had my first kiss with the pavement today, trying to ride down a flight of stairs on my way home from training. You may point and laugh; it's no more than I deserve.

Anyway, getting back on topic, there are two scripts I want to kick into shape: my steampunk feature, which is still languishing at draft 1.25, and the spec Radio 4 Afternoon Play I wrote in June, which based on feedback is going to become a sitcom pilot.

Right, I've got an idea. I'll force myself to write by making a public pledge and inviting mockery and ridicule if I fail. Hear ye! I swear before the blogosphere, I will write this weekend, and if I do not, may all my fellow bloggers jeer me until I cry like a little girl.

If that doesn't work, I don't know what will.

LOLBush

2008-08-13T13:00:00.002+01:00

Trust the Guardian to turn everyone's favourite Internet meme on the most unpopular American president in living memory.

I can has gol medal?

Charity Spam: Please Make My Total Insanity Worth It

2008-08-02T13:39:00.002+01:00

In January, in a fit of what can only be described as madness, I agreed to do a third of the London Triathlon. Two work colleagues and I are participating as a relay team, one person on each discipline. I'm doing the cycling leg, which is 40km long.

Like I say, it was a fit of madness.

The race is on August 9th, and we're doing the sponsored charity thing, in aid of the NSPCC. Please give a few bob to protect children and give my insanity a patina of, well, having some kind of a point.

We've set up a web page for online donations here:

Just Giving

Go on, you know you want to.

Unemployment Diary, Part 6: Part the Last

2008-07-13T23:07:00.003+01:00

I'll be starting back at the BBC a week from tomorrow. No more playing video games all day in my dressing gown. Let me tell you how upset I'm not.

Days since leaving the house: 0 (we've been camping this weekend, in fact)
Fiance's clothing status: Shirt and pants, but no trousers. He seems to have more or less given up wearing trousers at home.

Unemployment Diary, Part 5: Virgin Media, net neutrality, and "a load of bollocks"

2008-06-27T17:20:00.003+01:00

When we moved into our current place, my fiance and I got Virgin Media for our TV and broadband (and theoretically our phone calls as well, though we'd already had a BT line installed and we continued using that). Almost immediately the broadband exhibited problems. We'd lose all connectivity for periods of a few seconds to a minute or more. If both of us were surfing the internet or playing online games at once, one of us would frequently find our download speed significantly impaired.

Then double unemployment hit. And what do unemployed people do? That's right, they play World of Warcraft all day. World of Warcraft doesn't require massively fast download speeds, but it does require a stable connection. As time went on, our connection got less and less stable, to the point that playing online games became more or less impossible.

While surfing around to see if others were having the same problems with Virgin, I found this article, and this blog post from science fiction author Charles Stross.

For those of you who don't know what net neutrality is, it boils down to this: ISPs treat traffic from different sources equally. If, say, the BBC serves a byte of data and The Sun Online serves a byte of data, my ISP treats those two bytes of data as having equal priority. What Virgin Media's CEO is saying, essentially, is that Rupert Murdoch should be able to pay Virgin Media to serve his byte of data before the BBC's byte of data. (Or, of course, that the BBC should be able to pay to shift its byte of data to the front of the queue.)

Now, I have no idea whether Virgin Media's service has been so rubbish because our traffic is being deprioritised or throttled, but I do know two things.

1) Virgin Media's service has been rubbish.

2) Virgin Media's CEO has called the concept of net neutrality "a load of bollocks" and threatened to relegate traffic to "the bus lane" unless the site serving said traffic pays Virgin Media a a shedload of money.

Bad Virgin Media, no biscuit.

We got ADSL installed on our BT phone line today. This means we're now using just one of the three services Virgin Media supply via cable. When our contract is up, we'll go back to good old-fashioned Freeview for our TV and Virgin Media's time will also be up.

And Virgin's TV service was out for half an hour yesterday. During Wimbledon, no less.

Days since leaving the house: 0
Fiance's clothing status: Shirt and pants. No trousers, but at least he's not giving the neighbours an eyeful when he walks in front of the window.

Unemployment Diary, Part 4: Death and Desperation

2008-06-19T16:34:00.004+01:00

Not to worry, the death and desperation aren't mine. They belong to everyone in my local dole office. The floor where you fill in your initial paperwork is light and airy and pleasant enough, but the floor where you sign on just reeks of despair. The last time I was there, I felt depressed for the rest of the day.

On the plus side, I've been able to find my writing fu again, and I'm churning out two to three pages of radio play per day.

Days since leaving the house: 0
Fiance's clothing status: Shirt, but no trousers or pants. And the curtains are open. Not only can I not take him anywhere, I can't even leave him at home.

Emo through the ages

2008-06-09T19:18:00.003+01:00

We interrupt this unemployment diary for a special commentary on current events.

As some of you know, the Daily Mail has been saying less than complimentary things about Emo music.

But what you might not know is that music made by the professionally depressed dates back hundreds of years. The most famous composer of Elizabethan melancholia was John Dowland. Here's a little sample of his lyrics, from the lute song "Flow My Tears":

From the highest spire of contentment
My fortune is thrown;
And fear and grief and pain for my desserts
Are my hopes, since hope is gone.

You can hear the countertenor Andreas Scholl performing the song below. Be careful though, if you listen too many times you might join the scores of Renaissance lute music fans who've topped themselves.

Unemployment Diary, part 3: Bleah

2008-06-03T11:36:00.002+01:00

Time passes very slowly these days. When every day is more or less empty and more or less the sme, a week feels like a month. Is this how sloths feel all the time?

Anyway, to break the monotony and help myself pull my finger out, I've agreed to write a 45-minute radio play this month. I have an idea, but have I done any actual work on it? Of course not, that would interfere with my sitting on the sofa surfing the internet and playing video games schedule.

Days since leaving the house: 0
Fiance's clothing status: dressing gown again

Unemployment Diary, Part 2: Filthy Lucre

2008-05-28T11:57:00.002+01:00

I'm rich! Rich beyond the dreams of avarice!

Okay, I'm £39 richer than I was this time yesterday. That's £6 in Treason Show sketch money from Piers and Phill. (See comments on my last post.) And £33 from the BBC for the sketch they used in Tilt. Time to retire to a nice villa in the Caribbean.

Days since left the house: 0 (hurrah!)
Fiance's clothing status: Fully clothed and out in public. He's signing on.
My clothing status: Dressing gown

Unemployment Diary, part 1

2008-05-26T14:28:00.002+01:00

I said I wouldn't do this, but screw it, I'm going to bore you with the details of my non-life.

On Friday I tried to write some sketches for The Treason Show. End result, half a sketch that wouldn't have worked even if I'd had an ending for it. I'll try again today or tomorrow.

Days since leaving the house: 2
Fiance's clothing status: naked

Dole Scum 2: Love on the Dole

2008-05-22T14:21:00.002+01:00

You may recall that last year I became dole scum for the first time ever. For about two weeks. Without actually getting paid any benefit.

Well, not only am I back on the bread line, but my fiance lost his job on the same day I lost mine. If it had happened to anyone else I would've found it funny.

In theory I ought to have plenty of time for writing until I sort out another day job, but the truth is I haven't written a word. I've been too stressed out/disheartened/pissed off at the universe. Instead I've been playing World of Warcraft and watching Eggheads. My fiance has fallen even further -- most days he plays World of Warcraft and watches Eggheads in his dressing gown.

I suppose I could keep an unemployment diary and create either a slacker film or a piece of social realism for Guardian readers.

"Monday. Woke up to cat hairballing. Levelled up paladin, increased warrior's leatherworking skill from 350 to 352. Watched game shows. Cooked Thai curry. Ordered groceries online from Waitrose. Went to bed."

Hmm, maybe not.

Software developer seeks rent money

2008-05-02T16:45:00.001+01:00

Today I found out that my contract at the day job isn't being renewed. Anyone need a C/Perl/XSL developer with a side order of Java and generous helpings of project experience?

My first radio credit

2008-04-18T13:30:00.002+01:00

I had a sketch in this week's episode of Tilt. This is my first broadcast credit as a writer (I was a crew member and non-speaking actor on a short film that made it onto BBC3 in the wee small hours a couple of years ago).

Apart from the knowledge that at least one radio producer thinks I don't suck, I also get entry into the Writers' Guild of Great Britain. I might have been able to join on the strength of my stage credits, but now I'm in for sure. This also does not suck.

Buy a new hat Mum

2008-04-15T10:04:00.000+01:00

Fucking hell, I'm engaged!

BBC College of Comedy

2008-04-08T17:19:00.002+01:00

I'll be making my application tonight. Info can be found on the BBC Writersroom site here.

Does anyone know anything more than what the Writersroom say? Is this scheme meant to develop into something akin to the Writers' Academy that offers full-time work for a year?

Good news for writers, techies, and such

2008-04-03T10:07:00.001+01:00

It seems caffeine protects against senile dementia.

I'm off now to get my second cup of tea.

A geek bereft

2008-04-02T10:38:00.002+01:00

Someone has nicked my Maxwell's Equations mug from my desk at work. This morning I've spent a good hour of company time searching on the web for a replacement. Let this be a lesson to you all. A geek bereft is a geek unproductive.

Blissful week of writing

2008-03-25T11:18:00.002Z

The holiday year at work turns over at the end of March, so this week I'm at home burning off the days I failed to use for proper vacations earlier on. My to-do list is as follows:

- Get as much done as possible on my steampunk script. Realistically, I think that means substantial improvements to act 1 and little to nothing on acts 2 and 3.

- Write lots of comedy sketches for a BBC radio show that's taking unsolicited submissions. The brief for that one should appear on the BBC Writers' Room site soon if it hasn't already.

- Finish unpacking from my move. Nothing to do with writing I know, but the hallway is still impassable to everyone except the cats. And we've invited quite a few non-cats to our housewarming party on Saturday, so...

Oh noes!

2008-03-18T22:33:00.001Z

Arthur C Clarke RIP

He had a good innings, but it's always sad when a great one passes.

I ain't been doin' nothin'

2008-03-05T11:53:00.003Z

Except being ill and moving house. And then being ill some more. I'd very much like to be not ill now please.

Normal bollocks-about-writing service should be resumed shortly. In the meantime, here's a random YouTube clip I recently stumbled upon:

Get on with it!

2008-02-22T14:15:00.001Z

Would everyone reading this please leave a comment saying, "Oi, slothface! Get off your arse and do the second draft of your steampunk script!"

Thank you.

Final Cut, Windows Vista, and my declining mental health

2008-02-12T10:59:00.000Z

Fatal, the short film I made with Piers last December, is *this close* to being ready. Our only remaining impediment is getting the aspect ratio right.

The problem is, Piers' copy of Final Cut Pro is unable to export the project in any aspect ratio except 4:3. So he took his exported project, imported it into iMovie, and exported it from there in 16:9. So far so good. I then copied the disc image to my Windows Vista laptop and burned a DVD. Which, when played on the DVD player, froze about ten seconds in. We burned a second copy. That one also sank into the swamp. So we make a third one. That one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp.

Our working theory is that iMovie (or possibly the DVD authoring software) is adding some copy protection and/or identification data that's confusing the DVD player. Anyone got any ideas? There's a pint in it for you.

Internationally renowned

2008-01-30T12:31:00.000Z

Okay, internationally a tiny bit less obscure than I was this time last month. A sketch of mine (co-authored with my boyfriend) made it into The Treason Show Berlin. So the next time I need to play the "big yourself up without quite telling lies" game, I can say, "Christine's work has been performed across Europe."

And if they push, "Christine's work has been performed in the UK, Germany, and no points between."

Hey, it sounds really impressive as long as you don't think about it.

To-Do List

2008-01-21T10:37:00.000Z

In the near future, I need to:

- Join the Writers' Guild. I've been meaning to do that for months.

- Put together a press kit for Fatal and submit it for lots of festivals and screening nights. Something that should have been started a couple of weeks ago.

- Find my sketch fu. I thought it was behind the sofa, but all I found there was 13p and some cat hair.

- Do another draft of my steampunk script. I made a few notes before Christmas, but I've not progressed beyond that.

Could do better. See me after class.

Every little helps

2008-01-09T12:46:00.000Z

The BBC Radio Theatre Group (an amateur group consisting of BBC employees, before you get too excited) are producing a fifteen-minute radio play of mine. Auditions are next week. The end product won't be broadcast quality as I understand it, but it should still be a nice piece for the showreel.

Meanwhile, having been to Berlin at Christmas, I should be effortlessly churning out sketches for the Berlin edition of The Treason Show. But my sketch slump remains as slumpy as ever: my entire output so far has been two pieces, one of which may have been rendered obsolete by yesterday's New Hampshire primaries. Bah, I say!

And a bloggy New Year

2008-01-03T13:31:00.001Z

I ushered in 2008 on a sixth-floor rooftop in Berlin. There's apparently no official fireworks display there, but that doesn't matter because everyone just lets off their own. At midnight the sky lit up with a mass of random DIY displays that rivaled the professionals in terms of explosive power and far exceeded the professionals in terms of volume.

By 1 AM the streets were utterly awash in fireworks wrappers and singed cardboard tubes. On the way back to the hotel we saw two impromptu bonfires made from all the used packaging. One of said bonfires contained an unexploded firework, which shot out sideways at ground level and nearly kneecapped an unsuspecting onlooker. Oops...

Now it's time for New Year's resolutions. Lose weight, eat right, blah blah blah, you don't care about all that.

Get at least one feature script into good enough shape to send out. You might care about that.

My rom com script is almost ready to go, but it's been almost ready to go since before Aled Jones' voice broke. I keep coming up against the same structural problems, "fixing" them, then getting told I haven't fixed them after all. It may be time to declare that one as good as it's going to get, and either send it out as is or abandon it.

I've got two other features at first draft stage, one of which I re-read over Christmas and made some second draft plans for. That's the steampunk script, and that's the one I'll probably tackle first.

Meanwhile, Mixt Nutz appeared in a ten-minute slot on BBC Radio London last week. Huzzah! As I understand it, there's potential for this to be a regular weekly occurrence, which would of course be lovely.

Meanwhile meanwhile, I seem to be slowly getting better at Facebook Scrabble. That's writing-related, right? Okay, it's word-related. Okay, it's mostly related to words like "za" and "qi". Um, never mind.

We wish you a bloggy Christmas

2007-12-25T10:06:00.001Z

Greetings from Belushi's American sports bar in the former East Berlin. Elvis is playing on the loudspeakers, some random 10k road race is on the myriad TVs, my boyfriend is playing World of Warcraft beside me, and it's Christmas morning. What more could a girl want?

Last night we had Christmas dinner at the Chaos Computer Club. About fifteen people sat round a large table replete with power outlets, phone chargers and empty bottles of highly caffeinated beverages, and chatted to each other over IRC between courses. Again, what more could a girl want?

The traditional year-end wrap-up will follow in the next few days, but for the moment, Merry (slightly surreal) Christmas everyone!

P.S. Kirk Ocelot

Madam Producer in Post-Production

2007-12-17T12:09:00.000Z

The film shoot went off (mostly) without a hitch, and Mister Director is currently spending long hours(1) in the bowels of the edit suite(2) in order to produce a final cut before the end of the year. Then it's time to look for screenings and festivals.

(1) Not that long, really. I think he may need to pull some late nights if he's going to hit his deadline. I get to say that, I'm the producer.

(2) His bedroom.

You may address me as Madam Producer

2007-12-02T22:21:00.000Z

The "crew" section of my CV is a bit, well, all over the place. I've got credits as First AD, Script Supervisor, simply "Crew" (probably my personal favourite), and, oddly seeing as I can't act, actor. And now it looks like I'll soon have my first Producer credit thanks to a short film by the slightly terrifying Piers Beckley. We're planning to shoot next weekend.

The blagging and cat herding side of production work is not my favourite, to say the least. So it'll be interesting to see how this goes -- though today's production meeting in which I made a list of tasks and ordered Piers to do half of them was fun.

In other news, there's a potential Mixt Nutz development that looks almost certain to come off, but which I'll hold off blogging about until it actually happens.

And in other other news, did you know Kirk is an ocelot?

The Great Kirk Ocelot Race

2007-11-25T18:53:00.000Z

There's no need to read this post. This post is simply an attempt to claim the top Google result for "Kirk Ocelot". Don't ask. Well, okay, if you must ask:

And Kirk is, like, an ocelot or something

It's time someone knocked this blog post off the top of the Google results pile, and I intend being the one to do it.

Here goes.

Kirk Ocelot Kirk Ocelot Kirk Ocelot

And did you know, Kirk Ocelot?

Kirk Ocelot.

P.S. Kirk Ocelot.

Maybe I should get a tumblelog

2007-11-16T10:36:00.001Z

Then I wouldn't burn a full blog post sharing this link:

Lolcode 1st Edishuns

For all your bizarre yet Turing complete needs.

Much annoyance and consternation

2007-11-12T22:58:00.000Z

I've just discovered that Scriptsmart doesn't work on Windows Vista. Guess what my laptop shipped with? I'll give you 3.14159 guesses. Take your time, this question is a real toughie.

Damn it.

I need to write some radio sketches. Anyone have suggestions for alternative software? I'm muddling through with Final Draft's BBC taped sitcom template at the moment, but that's looking like a seriously poor substitute.

EDIT: To the many thousand readers who will doubtless suggest, "Why not just go back to XP?" believe me, I'm considering it. But I've already transferred all my data onto this machine, and if possible I want to avoid doing it again.

Steamtop?

2007-11-05T09:57:00.000Z

Sadly, I didn't think to put this gadget in my script. A terrible oversight, I'm sure you'll agree.

Finished!

2007-10-30T11:02:00.000Z

My steampunk script, entitled Jubilee for the moment, now has a completed first draft. Huzzah!

This is the second time I've gone from naught to first draft in two months, and I found this time that I could faff about in the first month and catch up in the second. In the last couple of weeks I was doing five pages a day, and on a good day I could complete those five pages in an hour. I'm still a long way behind Phill Barron, who recently wrote a feature script in five days, but I'm pleased that my run rate continues to improve.

Next up, the second draft. For which I'm actually going to have to do research, rather than saying, "They do some engineering stuff and a laser beam shoots out the front door of St Paul's Cathedral." And seeing as the story's set in 1897, I should probably take out those references to music from 1979 as well. Pity.

And bah again

2007-10-02T11:40:00.000+01:00

Film London have said no to the feature film on which I'm collaborating.

But -- and I think this is a big but -- they want to meet with the producers on Friday to discuss other ways of taking the project forward. I have no idea if "other ways" implies funding through them, or their help in securing funding through someone else, or what. Either way, I figure if they're still talking to us after turning us down, that's got to be a good thing.

Bah

2007-09-25T17:58:00.001+01:00

Well, that's me out of the British Short Screenplay Competition. Anyone in Blogville still standing?

Oh cruel fate!

2007-09-18T13:41:00.000+01:00

Well, it would be if I liked the Wheel of Time fantasy novel series.

Because Robert Jordan's just snuffed it without finishing the damn thing.

Oops.

Another little bit of good news

2007-09-07T19:00:00.000+01:00

The feature film on which I'm collaborating, has made the last ten for the Film London Microwave scheme. I think four scripts will get funding, so we're definitely in with a shout.

And now I must get back to working on the latest re-draft, which has to be in by Monday. Couldn't I just have the glory of getting shortlisted for things, without all the tedium of having to do work for them? While I'm at it, I'd also like a long-lost, wealthy uncle who dies and leaves me all his riches. And a pony.

A little bit of good news

2007-08-31T17:01:00.000+01:00

My short script The Squeeze is through to the second round of the British Short Screenplay Competition. I shall therefore spend the next two minutes and thirty-seven seconds feeling smug.

*tick tock, tick tock*

Okay, enough smugness, on with thinking about my steampunk feature, which I'm allowed to start writing tomorrow. I have only the vaguest idea of what I'm going to do. Urp.

EDIT: Be careful if you're viewing the second round list in Firefox! I realised a few minutes after writing this post that thanks to the wonders of caching, I'd actually been looking at the first round list. Luckily I am on the second round list, but I needed IE to confirm it.

Shameless self-promotion: the review

2007-08-23T16:03:00.001+01:00

The Scotsman has this to say about Mixt Nutz's Edinburgh show. The review is quite complimentary, which makes me churlishly ponder whether we deserved one more star than the three we got.

But hey, forget churlishness, it's not often that I've heard the phrases "a real gem" and "highly recommended" used to describe my writing.(*) I think I'll spend a few hours feeling smug and pleased with myself before dinner.

(*) Please don't construe this to mean I'm taking credit for writing the whole show. There were at least half a dozen contributors.

Scrabble

2007-08-20T10:34:00.000+01:00

I've been playing a lot of Scrabble on Facebook lately.

Bear with me, this is tangentially relevant to writing. It's definitely relevant to language.

Last night I was making my Scrabble moves and my blokey was watching.

"How about ghley?" he said.

Thinking this might be an obscure word I didn't know, I looked up "ghley" in the Scrabble application's dictionary. No joy.

"That's not a word," I said.

"I know," he replied. "But it should be."

At this point I hit him.

But this got me thinking about alternate Scrabbles and how the game mechanics might work. For example, the variation I'll call Ought-to-ble. You can play a move that isn't a word, as long as everyone agrees it ought to be. For example, "ghley". Or "quap". They sound cool, they (mostly) obey the conventions of English spelling, they really should be words, but thanks to bad luck they aren't.

Then Blokey suggested a variation in which you can only play "ought-to-be" words. If you accidentally play a real word, you lose your turn.

I wonder if these would actually work in practice? I'm sure plenty of people have tried them. Perhaps I'll give them a go the next time I've got a bunch of friends round and we're feeling drunk and silly.

We might also have to try backwards Scrabble, only proper names Scrabble, only rude words Scrabble, etc.

Speaking of rude words, I discovered this morning that "feck" is a valid word. Not sure about "arse".

Steam what?

2007-08-17T11:16:00.000+01:00

It seems that last night in a fit of drunken folly, I committed to writing a steam punk feature script in September and October.

Well, the brief is actually to write a period feature of any sort, but steam punk is explicitly allowed and that's what I've decided to do.

Guess I'll be watching/reading a lot of Jules Verne and H.G. Wells in the next couple of weeks. If anyone can suggest other good examples of the genre, please suggest away.

Oh, and on a completely different note, in that same fit of drunken folly, John Barrowman's Bumming Carousel officially became John Barrowman's Bumming Carousel of Evil. Please update your records accordingly.

The laptop is dead, long live the laptop

2007-08-04T19:39:00.000+01:00

Those of you who read Phill Barron's recent laptop-related posts may notice a certain, shall we say, zeitgeist developing in the Scribe-o-sphere, for I am going to tell you the story of my afternoon, and laptops are going to feature prominently.

My faithful Dell Inspiron had been getting a tad long in the tooth. It was approaching two years old, it needed a memory upgrade if it was to continue being a viable gaming machine, and one of the screen hinges was damaged. I'd already decided to replace it in the next few months, probably with another Dell, when it started throwing frightening hard-drive-related errors. "I'd better back up my data sharpish before the drive goes completely," thought I, as I was powering the machine down and retiring to bed on Thursday night. I remembered this to-do item early this afternoon when the machine suddenly crashed and refused to reboot. Oops.

I'd intended to spend the afternoon deciding what to do for the Red Planet competition. Instead I spent the afternoon in PC World buying a new laptop. It's a Compaq, it's got loads of RAM and a nice graphics card, it's thinner and lighter than the Dell, but now my wallet is also thinner and lighter. I could've done without all that thinning and lightening. Bah.

Oh well, it could be worse. I don't think I've lost too much data, especially since my email is all stored on the Gmail server, and I suspect a bit of patchery-pokery will resurrect the Dell long enough for me to get everything important off. But heed ye my warning, fellow bloggers -- a curse does blight the humble Scribe-o-sphere. Despair of your laptops, for their end be nigh!

Edinburgh ho!

2007-07-29T17:30:00.000+01:00

Mixt Nutz are Edinburgh-bound as we speak. Well, as I speak. Well, as I type. You get the idea.

We're on daily from the 6th of August at The Counting House. Our web site has full details.

I'm still not sure whether I'll be able to go up and visit the show. If I do, it'll only be for a couple of days due to day job commitments and lack of vacation days. Having to do a normal job for a living can be a real pain in the arse sometimes.

Cheltenham wrap-up, featuring The Dreaded Lurgi

2007-07-25T20:26:00.001+01:00

Right, so I've finally got round to summing up my Cheltenham experience. And my experiences since, which will go some way toward explaining why my Cheltenham write-up is so late.

I was there for all four days, and my personal highlight was meeting so many like-minded (and often blog-minded) writers. Martin Adams, Jason Arnopp, Paul Campbell, Stuart Perry,Helen Smith, and Danny Stack, it was wonderful drinking beer and discussing John Barrowman's Bumming Carousel with you. (If you don't know what John Barrowman's Bumming Carousel is, trust me, ignorance is indeed bliss.)

My personal lowlight was nursing a cold throughout the entire week. I'd been off work with The Dreaded Lurgi the day before the festival, I felt a bit peaky for the first three days (to the point that I spent part of every afternoon in my hotel room watching Wimbledon and resting up), then I woke up on the Friday morning coughing up a lung.

The lung situation lasted another week, resulting in three more days off work. Then I got better for a week, only to come down with a throat infection this week and beg off work yet again. My doctor pumped me full of penicillin today, and I hope that'll clear things up by Friday, but I've been ill for about a month continuously now. This is most annoying and has prevented me from doing any writing work of consequence. Bah, I say!

Cheltenham ho!

2007-07-02T13:10:00.000+01:00

I'm off to the Screenwriters' Festival this evening. If you're going, be sure to say hi to me. (Hmm, I should really get round to posting a picture so you'll know who to say hi to...)

Competitiveness makes the world go 'round

2007-06-27T12:46:00.000+01:00

Piers Beckley has just had some top news. Upon finding out, my first reaction was to offer hearty congratulations.

My second reaction was to be envious and sulk. Yes, I am incredibly mature and selfless, my social worker says so.

My third reaction was to register with Inktip to up my scripts' industry exposure.

I think I'm finally starting to understand this competitiveness-as-motivator mindset that many of my writer buddies have, but which I've never fully grokked. I'm sure my mother wouldn't approve, but as long as it doesn't descend to word processors at dawn...

The triumphant return of shameless self-promotion

2007-06-22T10:48:00.000+01:00

I haven't bigged up Mixt Nutz for a while, so here goes. Check out our video sketches here:

www.youtube.com/mixtnutz

On the subject of bigging up, I'll draw your particular attention to two sketches of mine, Thick Recruits

and Hello Suicide

Er, um, ahem. We do apologise for the excessive ego levels of the last few minutes. Please bear with us and your normal humility service should be restored very soon.

Un-drowned?

2007-06-05T18:58:00.000+01:00

William Gallagher has this to say about my TV sitcom:

"It's a good idea but it's not there yet, is it?"

But he also has this to say:

"I hope you carry on with this one, I really think you've hit a rich seam."

I'd already bought the bag and the stones and was halfway to the river, cackling with glee at my script's impending watery fate. And now it looks like I can't drown it after all. I never get to have any fun.

Apathy haiku

2007-06-01T16:37:00.000+01:00

After a long, heavy group lunch featuring wine and free Amaretto, everyone in the office is having a slow afternoon. My most productive contribution has been this torpor-related haiku:

Develop career
Commune with learned colleagues
I can't be bothered

Anyone else want to try their hand at apathy poetry? Or can't you be asked?

Drowned at birth

2007-05-28T17:08:00.000+01:00

I'm posting this from a GNER train somewhere in the vicinity of York. The on-board wi-fi is incredibly slow and for some reason seems to have given me a Swedish IP address, but -- free wi-fi on a train! Result!

Before I logged on I finished off my sitcom for May's comedy writing challenge. The good news is that I'm now able to churn out pages at the rate of five or more per hour in full flow. The bad news is that the pages I've churned out this time are pants. Painfully, leadenly, unfunnily, and probably irredeemably awful. I think this sitcom is getting drowned at birth. Oh well.

Back to the world of the day job

2007-05-08T22:29:00.000+01:00

Today was my first day at work. In my earlier post I didn't mention the exact nature of my job because all I had at the time was a verbal offer. But they've now let me into the building and promised me a network ID, so it's probably safe to reveal I'm working for the BBC Future Media and Technology department as a software engineer.

Thus ends an approximately nine-month stint of writing full-time. I think, though, that I needed a bit of a shake-up. For months I'd been having problems motivating myself to write, and in a perverse way it was nice to have to get up this morning and trudge off to do things for other people.

If I ever do manage to write full-time on a permanent basis, I think I'll get some sort of studio space and thus force myself to 'trudge off' of a morning. Having my living space as my work space just seemed to reinforce my stuck-in-a-rut state.

Mouthing off for fun and profit

2007-04-26T15:54:00.000+01:00

Well, fun anyway.

Today I was interviewed for an American political documentary. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy being opinionated and verbose.

Watch this space for further details as they become available.

What a difference 15 minutes makes

2007-04-24T18:20:00.000+01:00

When I went to sign on today, the dole officer looked at his Computer Screen of Death and Humiliation (TM) and noticed I wasn't getting any money through. He sent me to a little booth to phone a call centre in Glasgow, whose own Computer Screen of Death and Humiliation (TM) determined that I wasn't eligible for dole. Or perhaps the National Insurance Screen of Death and Etc. was just f**ked up. Could I please bring in the last two years' P60s, a blood sample, and a hair from a unicorn's tail? That would sort everything out. Probably.

Great. Just what I needed.

When I left the dole office and turned my mobile on, I had a message offering me a job. Not a writing job sadly, but nevertheless a job that pays proper money and will keep me in food, shelter, and PlayStation games. I start in a couple of weeks. Take that Computer Screen of Death and Humiliation (TM)!

To celebrate, I'm declaring myself on holiday for the rest of the month.

Peer pressure

2007-04-16T22:16:00.000+01:00

It's that time again -- my screenwriting buddies are challenging each other to write scripts to stupid deadlines. I thought I'd wheedled my way out of doing any more of these challenges until July, but yesterday I suddenly found myself agreeing to write a 30-minute comedy piece (probably a TV sitcom in my case) during the month of May. The same month I'm moving house. You can fit me for my straitjacket now.

Looks like my only competition for this challenge is Piers. I fear he may score a victory by walkover. But then again, fear of ridicule is quite a good motivator (and if I don't deliver, ridiculed I will most certainly be), so watch this space.

EDIT: It turns out William is in as well, so I'm in for twice the ridicule if I fail. On the other hand, if I succeed and both William and Piers fail, I'll get to dish out twice the ridicule. Swings and roundabouts...

Dole scum

2007-04-10T10:30:00.000+01:00

This morning I'll be doing something I've never done before -- signing on. Does this mean I'm a proper artist now?

Upping the run rate

2007-03-27T17:26:00.000+01:00

Today I've been chatting via blog comments with Phill Barron, who writes funny sketches and gets gobs more material into NewsRevue and The Treason Show than I do. Turns out he can also write material much faster than I can.

Which raises the question, how can I increase my speed? It's an obvious assumption that run rates increase with experience, and I've definitely improved at churning out screenplay pages fast, but if anything my sketch writing is getting slower. Am I second-guessing myself? Am I too used to working with a partner? (I wrote sketches with Piers Beckley for a long time, but he's busy with drama projects these days, so my recent output has mostly been solo.) Am I simply running out of jokes?

Suggestions on a postcard please. The winning entrant will get an un-funny sketch written about them -- but don't expect it to be finished for several days.

Another day, another draft

2007-03-15T15:48:00.001Z

Some of my friends and I like to challenge each other to various writing tasks. Most of the time this takes the form, "Write a first draft of [thing x] in [timespan y]." E.g., "Write a first draft of a feature script in two months."

The current challenge is a little bit different. Piers Beckley, William Gallagher, and I have tasked each other with producing a draft of something we've previously worked on, in a timeframe of 15 days. So, in effect, this one is a rewrite challenge.

I chose to work on my rom com feature script, which regular readers may remember has been almost done for an embarrassingly long time. The challenge was just the motivation I needed to pull my finger out and fix the structure. (Well, I hope the structure's now fixed.)

I delivered my draft on Tuesday, and my hope is that I can do one final draft based on Piers' and William's notes, bulk the script out by a few pages (it's currently running a bit short), and call it done. That would be doubly nice because I don't have a feature spec in my portfolio at present, and that's a rather glaring absence.

You're welcome, but your film can f**k off

2007-03-08T22:43:00.000Z

Last month I submitted my short film "No Circulars Please" to the East End Film Festival. I didn't much fancy my chances of getting in -- the film has the kind of production values you'd expect from a £200 budget, and while it was eligible by virtue of being shot in Tower Hamlets, it has absolutely nothing to say about east London or anyone living there. So I wasn't too surprised when I got an email yesterday saying my application had been unsuccessful.

I was, however, surprised to find attached to the rejection letter a free ticket to the closing night screening and party. Huh? Don't think I'm being ungrateful, it was nice of the festival organisers to offer me a consolation prize, but it does strike me as akin to inviting a jilted lover to your wedding. I can just imagine the networking conversations I might have:

Producer: "So, which film was yours?"
Me: "Er, none of them. They didn't want my film."
Producer: ...silence...
Me: "But they invited me to their party. I must be lovely and clever if they did that."
Producer: "Yes, I'm sure. Bye, have a nice career."

So I don't think I'll be using that ticket. But I did learn a valuable lesson -- if I'm ever in need of an instant social life, I'll submit bad films to a lot of festivals.

Every girl needs a tux, part II

2007-03-01T11:56:00.000Z

The science fiction convention was a blast (go ahead, call me a nerd, I can take it). And I think I look rather nice in a tux. Judge for yourself:

Every girl needs a tux

2007-02-21T21:45:00.000Z

This morning I did something rather strange. Well, strange for someone in possession of two X chromosomes. I bought myself a dinner suit.

I'm going to a science fiction convention this weekend (yes yes, I know, NERD!), and there's a spy-themed disco on the Saturday night. I thought it would be fun to hire a tuxedo and go as James Bond. So I called in at my local Moss Bros today, only to find out that a hire for this weekend would require pickup on Friday afternoon. Not possible given that I'm heading up to the con on Friday morning. When I asked about alternatives, the guy behind the counter offered to sell me a dinner suit for £150 and throw in the shirt and tie for free. I would've spent £50 on the hire, and I had my heart set on being Bond, so I gave in to impulse and made the purchase.

Who knows, the suit may come in handy in the future. One day I might be successful as a writer and get invited to lots of black-tie events, and anyone who knows me in person knows I don't wear dresses. Well, I did once, as a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding, but I've also been a bridesmaid in trousers for two other friends. That's how much I don't wear dresses.

Failing the success and black-tie events thing, at least I'll be set the next time anyone has a Bond-themed fancy dress party.

Completed things are nice

2007-02-17T18:51:00.000Z

This past week was very lazy and unproductive on the whole. I think Dead Mouse Day (see previous post) was in fact one of the better ones. But -- and this is a big but -- I did hit a milestone in that the radio sitcom I've written with Piers Beckley is finished. We did our final pass on Thursday and locked the script down. Hooray!

Next week we'll start approaching radio producers. This is, of course, likely to result in a lot of rejection and disappointment, but I think we've written a funny script and I'm proud of it. So for the moment, let's stick with the "Hooray!" sentiment.

Also on the subject of "Hooray!", the premiere party for my short film "No Circulars Please" kicks off in five minutes. I'm plying the guests with beer and champagne, so if they don't like the film they'll (cross fingers) be too drunk to complain about it.

I blame the dead mouse

2007-02-13T13:49:00.000Z

After getting a lot done last week (on projects other than the troubleseome feature script in my previous post), I've been having serious procrastination issues this week. I have no excuse for making sod-all progress yesterday, but this morning when I sat down to write I noticed a smell in the room. At first I thought the cat box was sending an ambient pong wafting through the flat, but a bit of investigation determined the smell was coming from behind my laundry hamper. A bit of moving stuff around, and two things happened. 1) The smell got about three times worse. 2) The culprit was revealed to be a mouse carcass. Several days dead from the look of it.

I got rid of the corpse and put a room deodoriser near the spot, but my work space still stinks to high heaven and I'm getting a headache. I'm debating whether to take my laptop to a coffee place, or just take myself to a coffee place. Either way, I'm vacating the flat for a few hours.

I suppose I should be grateful to my cats for apparently killing vermin, but I do wish they'd've done something more helpful with the body. Like eating it, or burying it outside, or really just anything not involving my bedroom.

Stuck? Stuck stuck stuck!

2007-02-07T15:47:00.000Z

Remember the bit in the film "A Christmas Story" when the kid licks the school flagpole and his tongue freezes to the metal? No? Okay, then you'll have to trust me when I say this post's title is a bit of dialogue from that wonderful scene.

I'm still working on my feature film script doctoring -- oops, collaboration -- gig, and we're in the middle of delivering a new draft. Most of the work on said new draft was meant to fall to me, but late last week I locked up. I knew what we needed to achieve, we'd agreed on a way to achieve it, but I couldn't make any progress. The longer this went on, the more stressed out I got about it and the worse my locked-up state got. On Monday I passed the script to my collaborator and asked him to work on it for a few days. My hope is that the passage of time and whatever changes he makes will get me unlocked and making progress again.

Anyone got any tips on overcoming writer's block? I could use some ideas for times when "make someone else do it" isn't an option.

It's alive! ALIVE!!

2007-01-29T11:16:00.000Z

This is actually news from last week, but I completely forgot to blog about it at the time. Never mind.

In February and March of 2005 I directed a little micro-budget short film. Most of the post-production happened quickly, but then a string of things went wrong with the sound design. To wit, several people were lined up to do it and then for various reasons didn't actually do it (and in some cases took an excruciatingly long time not actually doing it).

The 2nd AD from the film crew eventually came to my rescue and volunteered for the sound job. (If only I'd known 18 months earlier that he was interested in sound design...) Last week he delivered me a DVD with his final changes, and we are finished! Hooray!

We were in post production for almost two years. Not hooray!

The film's called "No Circulars Please". Look for it at a cheap and cheerful shorts screening near you.

Coming along nicely

2007-01-22T14:07:00.000Z

The monthly Mixt Nutz show was last night, and it went very well. The audience were a) nicely numerous, and b) nicely enthusiastic. The sketches got more laughs than I've seen Mixt Nutz sketches get, and in particular our new material went down swimmingly. This all bodes well for the planned Edinburgh show.

One thing that's remained constant, and which others have told me is perfectly usual, is that the sketches get fewer laughs than the improvisation games that open the show. I suppose the audience participation element, the heightened potential for surprise, and the general chaotic raucousness all help to boost the improv section's laugh count, but damn it, I want the audience to laugh hardest at my bits! MY BITS!

The universe hates me

2007-01-16T11:40:00.000Z

So, I've got another draft on that feature film to do, a 15-minute radio play to write before the end of the month (and all I've done so far is the treatment), lots of Mixt Nutz material to create and/or re-draft, and a deadline fast approaching if I want to submit anything to The Treason Show this month.

And what just came through my letterbox?

World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade.

I'm doomed.

Finished! But not.

2007-01-09T11:46:00.000Z

Last week I finished my draft of the feature script I'm doctoring. Actually, my name is on the cover page now, so I should stop referring to this project as 'doctoring' and start calling it 'co-writing'.

Anyway, I finished the draft on Thursday or Friday, the script went out a day later, and by the end of the weekend we had notes from three different producers who were all interested and all wanted to see more or less the same changes. Definitely good news, but I'd been hoping to savour my warm fuzzy 'finished' feeling for a bit longer. Heigh ho.